I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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