I think im going to throw up on grandma
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Found the puke drawer
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
