sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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