The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
