I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
