So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
