I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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