One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
