He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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