I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
