belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
