Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
