Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
