shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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