all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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