Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
