is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
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