Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Mom said you looked used
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
