We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
And then he peed in my hair
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