when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
