so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
