I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
