turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
