I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
