What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
