Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
