He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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