Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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