if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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