this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
