just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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