Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
