Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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