Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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