he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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