Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
