I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
