He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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