Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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