i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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