I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
