it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
