using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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