a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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