3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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