I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
