drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
