quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
