You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
