My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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