i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
