Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
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