I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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