You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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