brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
