good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
