What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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