Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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